So, I wrote a thing for AtlantaMuslim.com

I'm Non-Religious, But I'm Sending My Son To An Islamic School

Stop Using ADHD as an Excuse to Not be a Functional Adult

It's ranting with Noel time, folks.

Your ADHD is not an excuse to not be a functional adult.
It's not.
Deal with it.

I have moderate ADHD. Some days, it's more severe than others; like most of us, it's 10x worse when I'm off my schedule and/or stressed or overloaded.
Hahahahahahahahahaha welcome to my life.
I have a full-time job in a department that's severely short-handed with two product releases coming out days before my wedding, which is in 7 weeks. I'm a mom to a little boy with multiple extracurricular activities, I have 2 romantic partners, and I'm in leadership for a 3,000 person event that takes place 3 weeks after my wedding.
Oh yeah, and did I mention that I'm planning a wedding?!

And you know what? I'm a functional fucking adult anyway.
Some days more functional than others, but I get my shit done.
You know why? Because I listened to my goddamned doctor when she gave me advice. Listen, folks, medication is amazing and is a huge part of how I manage. But it ain't everything, and it's useless without coping mechanisms. 
Let me say it again for the people in the back: you cannot rely on medication alone to make you a functional adult with ADHD. Medications will make you capable of focusing, but it won't teach you how to. Medication will make it possible for you to sit down and read a whole book, but it won't teach you to make notes. Medication will make you capable of remembering that appointment, but it won't teach you to manage your calendar.

"Butbutbutbutbut Noel, I don't know how to learn any of that!!"

Bitch, you got Google in your back pocket. Use it.
(Seriously, you can literally google, "adulting skills.")

Ok, you don't want to wade through Google results and risk getting lost in a Wikihole that leads to the Heisenberg Principle and conspiracy theories around Hillary Clinton. Fine. I'll do the work for you.

Basic Adulting Skills (solutions & suggestions to come after):

• Accepting when you're wrong, without getting defensive
• This one is hard, yo. We are raised to believe that, "I did something bad," actually means, "I am bad." That's bullshit. The Dalai Llama screwed up sometimes, and so will you. This does not make you a shitty person. Refusing to accept responsibility for your screw-up and fix it does, however. 
• Managing your schedule
• I don't know about y'all, but this is really, really hard when you're ADHD. You start the day with all these good intentions, and suddenly, it's 2pm and you've cleaned the whole kitchen top to bottom but haven't even put on pants to go to work. Whoops! 
• Maintaining Friendships
• I forget your birthday. I don't remember your kids' names. I have no idea where you work. I will tell myself I should drop you a line for 4 months straight before I actually text you. And God forbid I manage to actually make plans with you, keep them, and show up on time.
• Working at work
• Ok, I finished this work-task, I'll just take a second to answer some Facebook messages that came up..... OMG how did it get to be 3 hours later and what is this blog post I just wrote?!?!
• Managing Your Money
• Dude, ADHD folks suck with money, as a general rule. We're impulsive, we don't track our spending, and next thing we know it's 3 days after payday and we're fully stocked on video games and beer, but forgot to pay the cable bill and our bank account's screaming hysterically.
• Taking Care of Yourself Physically
• Am I the only one whose meds (and life in general) mean that I get up at 6am, and then start doing stuff, and only realize that it's 5pm and I haven't eaten when I get dizzy? Because, yeah... that's a thing that happens. 

So, feeling like you're never going to be a grown-up, yet?
You're good, trust me, because there's an app for that! (Seriously, I utilize technology heavily in managing my ADHD, and I firmly believe that you should, too.)


Bullet Journals:
First, the low-tech option. Bullet journals, or BuJos as they're called by aficionados like myself, are rapidly growing in popularity. They're referred to as, "the analog system for the digital age." Personally, I find that writing down my list/tasks/calendar/meal plans/etc helps me remember them, and science agrees. There are thousands of ways to handle your bullet journal, but the main points are these:

• Write everything down. Everything.
• Mark what's done and 'migrate' what's not
• Do not spend forever writing things down- this is rapid logging, not blogging

Here's a picture of the founder, Ryder Carroll's, BuJo 

Here's mine. 

How I set mine up: I use a 'dutch door' method that lets me see the entire week's schedule at a glance, and I take an entire page for every day. I also track the weather and sunrise/sunset times because I'm a geek. Tasks written in red are professional/at work tasks. Tasks in purple are personal tasks. I also draw a tarot card each day as a general reminder/guide for the day. 

There are a million ways to do this. Mine is probably not the right way for you. Bullet journaling is incredibly adaptive. In fact, set aside a couple of hours to get sucked into the rabbit hole of perusing potential layouts.

Important points to remember about BuJos:

• You do not need a fancy notebook, or fancy pens, or washi tape (the decorative tape on the side. 
• You do not need to learn calligraphy. 
• If you compare yours to people on Instagram with way more time on their hands than you, you will toss the whole notebook. When you start to feel this way, go back and look at Ryder's. He uses one pen, one notebook, and absolutely no decoration. You don't have to, either. Do not get sucked into the rabbit hole of making it super fancy until it isn't functional.

Set a Freaking Schedule and Stick to It
No, you are not the magical exception to ADHD that doesn't need one. No, you don't thrive on chaos. You just make the rest of us frustrated and miserable. Routines give your brain one less tab to keep open, because you can cruise on autopilot.
Set an alarm for every day, even weekends. Put a hook by the door and put your keys there every. single. time. Meal plan. Build a routine. Routines and schedules are touchstones in the whirling chaos in our minds. Trust me. Do the thing.

Forest App/Extension:
Having your tasks listed is useless if you are playing on Facebook for 6 hours instead of working on them. That's where Forest comes in. It's both an Android/iOS app, and a Chrome browser extension. If you navigate to a different app on your phone, or go to certain websites on your computer, you kill the adorable little tree that you're cultivating with your focus. Time is measure in 5 minute increments, starting at 20 minutes and culminating in 2 hours.
Focus requires practice. Forest helps you get that practice. I also find that working for 20-25 minutes, then giving myself a (timed!) 5 minute break makes me significantly more productive.

Google Calendar, Google Keep, and Google Reminders (and their Apple equivalents)
Google owns my life. Let me just get that out of the way. I'm a Google/Android fangirl all the way, but this advice applies to Apple folks as well.

Personal Assistant
Your phone has either Siri for iPhone, or OK Google for Android. Siri is pre-packaged. Android folks, here's a tutorial.
Think you already know how to use your phone's personal assistant? You're probably not using it to its full potential. My favorite commands:
Ok Google, remind me at Publix [my local grocery store] to get toothpaste. 
Ok Google, remind me in 2 hours to set up that blog post about forgetting things.
Ok Google, call Dad.
Ok Google, open Gmail.
Ok Google, create appointment Coffee with Logan 9am tomorrow. This one is key. make your next plans with someone you're out with while you're still there, and then create a calendar event immediately.
Ok Google, what is traffic like?
Ok Google, what is 3.5% of 95,000?
Siri does all of these things, too. You have a personal assistant in your back pocket. Use it.

Google/Apple Calendar
Use it. Seriously. You already know it exists, so I'm not going to explain it. Use it. Put things in it, set them to have reminders that pop up the day before, the morning of, and an hour or 2 before. Again- do this while you are with people so that a) they can see that they are important enough to you to schedule time for them immediately, and b) you don't forget.
Calendars can also be shared with friends, partners, and whoever you want so they know when you're most likely o be free... if you use it.
Google Calendar even has an awesome new feature that lets you set goals, and it will find time in your schedule for you to meet them- and one of those prepackaged goals is, "Reach out to a Friend".

Google Keep/Apple Notes
Caveat: I haven't messed with Apple Notes. I use Google exclusively, but I have heard good reviews of Apple Notes.
Keep lets you make lists, take notes, 'pin' pictures, set reminders, and share all (or some) of the above with other people. So the next time you're thinking, "I really need to tell Sarah about that cute kitten I just saw," you can add it to Keep and it will be there waiting for you.

I use mine to keep track of wedding and burn stuff. 

Relationship/Friendship Apps
Bond is one app that lets you pick people, set how often you want to check in on them and say hi, what messaging service you want to use (Facebook, Gmail, text, WhatsApp, etc), and will then remind you to do so.

Mint/Other Money Apps
Personally, I just use my USAA app to keep track of my spending, since it lets me import and keep track of my credit cards, my student loans, my car loan(s), and my bank accounts. It even gives me a pie chart of where my money goes.

Mint.com has something similar, that even comes with a credit score. (A free credit score app that i use is called Credit Karma. It's made a huge difference in my credit score.)

This is only moderately useful for the fact that I'm an impulsive spender, however. There are thousands of tips and tricks out there to 'trick' yourself into saving money:

• Pay yourself first- move money into savings as soon as the check comes in, rather than saying, 'if there's anything left, I'll put it into savings. That never works for folks like us. 
• If your bank has a 'round up' program, use it. These programs 'round up' every purchase to the nearest dollar, and put the change into your savings account. (Ex: I buy a $3.57 chai at Starbucks. My bank removes $4.00 from my bank account and gives $3.57 to Starbucks and puts $.43 into my savings account.) This may not seem like much but it does add up. 
• Just pull from your savings accounts whenever your checking gets low, depleting any attempt at saving money? Use something like Acorns.com to 'round up,' and put it into an investment account that takes longer to pull from.
• Level Money even provides you with a handy, "How Much Can I Spend Today/This Week?" based on your income, expenses, and savings goals. 
• If you get direct deposit paychecks, set it up so that a certain amount goes straight to savings without you ever seeing it. I use multiple savings accounts, with direct deposit to each of them:
• Personal Spending Checking
• Household Expenses Checking
• Play Money Savings (vacations, etc)
• My Son's Savings
• My Son's 529 College Savings
• My 911 Savings (this is for the major emergencies- tree falls on the house, child needs emergency surgery, etc. This account is absolutely non-negotiable)
• Use your bank's auto bill pay features. You almost certainly have it, and if you don't, you may need to switch banks. (Caveat: this is harder for people without steady incomes) I get paid a set amount, or somewhere within a certain range, the 1st and 15th of each month. Therefore, I have certain payments scheduled for those dates: my student loans, my car payment, my son's tuition, my cell phone bill, and other payments that don't change amounts. I never have to worry about forgetting to pay that bill. My bank even shows me when the last time I paid each bill was, and how much it was for, so I can usually guesstimate how much I'll owe if I want to schedule something ahead like the power bill. 
• Put all those 'rewards cards' onto an app like KeyRing. I never, ever carry rewards cards with me. That's what i have a phone for. And those cards can actually save you quite a bit of money- I have saved $30-50 with Kroger Rewards before, on a $60 groceries run.

Google Fit/MyFitnessPal/Other Calorie/Fitness Apps

I know I'm not the only one who forgets to eat all day on my Adderall. Or who doesn't notice that I ate 6,000 calories yesterday. So track that shit- there are dozens of apps out there whose entire function is to track your calorie intake and your activity level. Every time you eat, log it. Every time you drink, log it. Then look at your weekly summaries. 

Sleep Tracker Apps

Think you get enough rest? Check the numbers. And no, you're not the special snowflake who only needs a few hours of sleep. Studies have shown, over and over, that people who consistently don't get enough sleep don't function as well as those who do, but think they are functioning just as well. In other words, you're not functional, you're deluded. Stop it. Sleep. There are lots of tracker options to help you. 

Meditation Apps

I know, I know: I'm not the Dalai Llama, what do I need meditation for?

Think of meditation as a workout for your brain. Remember that thing about how medication doesn't teach you how to focus, just makes it possible? Well, this is part of how you learn to focus. Keeping your ADHD mind clear for even a few seconds is work. Mastering doing it will help you focus on that one important task for a while- without descending into monofocus. 

My personal favorite app for this is Stop, Breathe, and Think, but a quick Google search will net you thousands of options.

TL;DR version:

ADHD is hard. But technology, and a little practice, can make you a functional adult, anyway. 

The trick is, decide you care enough about your life, your job, and your relationships to actually put some of this into practice. 

To You Who Wants To Die

To You Who Wants To Die,

Life isn't getting better, is it? Your chronic pain, your depression, your family or job or life, the things that are making everything feel hopeless... they don't seem to be getting better, do they?
So maybe your family, your loved ones, your friends, would all be better off if you were gone and they didn't have to worry about you. Is that your thought? Because if it is, I'm asking you to read this, because we need you.

We need you because we're never better off without you. Because your death for any reason will always leave a hole in our hearts in the shape of your smile.
You see the days when you are unable to function and we have to take care of you, you see your inability to provide income to your family, or the fact that you don't see us much because of your disease, and think that we'd be better off without having to deal with those things. We see those things, yes, but that's not all we see: we see the courage in your smile on the days you didn't want to be at our birthday party because it hurt, but you came anyway. We see the strength that it takes to get out of bed every day when you feel like nothing matters. We see how much you love us when you help us with that project we couldn't have done alone- or maybe just needed company for- even though you felt awful.
Do we see the things you miss, or the times you weren't there, too? Of course, because we, too, are human. But your children also remember that you taught them courage when you got up to help them get ready for school anyway. Your parents remember that when they visited, you cleaned your house even though you felt terrible. Your friends remember that time when they needed you and you came through. We love you. And we need you, even if you don't see that right now.

And, for the record, it's NOT easier with you gone. It's thousands of dollars of medical bills, of funeral expenses, and the sheer horror of having to talk to the police, the paramedics, and the coroner. It's the shame and gut-wrenching fear of judgement and raw grief of having to tell the people you loved that you are gone and we weren't able to stop you- or didn't even know how badly you were struggling. It's finding out that most likely, your life insurance doesn't pay out for suicide, and your spouse and children are stuck with the debt. Hospitals don't write off those expenses, and funeral homes aren't free- and there's only so long the coroner's office will hold your body if your family can't put together the money for your service. It's the realization by your spouse that not only is their co-parent missing (and even if you were divorced, estranged, there was ALWAYS the knowledge in the back of their head that they could call you if they had to), but your income to help care for your children is missing. Selfish? Sure. Still a hell of a blow to us? Yep.

It's having every one of those things crash down on your head all at once- while simultaneously still parenting your children, trying not to get fired from our own job, figuring out how to pay the mortgage or rent with income halved or even gone, dealing with everyone else who is grieving and for some reason can only talk to us about it, and trying to figure out what in the hell you say to strangers who ask, "Oh, your loved one died? What happened?"
Because we don't know what to say to that, just so you know.
Do we tell them you committed suicide, and watch their sympathy shut down, watch them start judging you- you, who we knew as a light in our life and smile in our heart- and reducing you to another 'selfish statistic'? Or do we lie, and devalue the pain and fear you were feeling? Do we just give some half-answer, like, "It was unexpected," and watch their eyes light up at the chance of gossip?
It's finding that everything that reminds us of you, is suddenly a trigger for another flood of tears. Every picture of us together on Facebook, every anniversary of a date we had fun together, every book we read that we can't share with you, or moment when we see your favorite movie pop up on Netflix, every child's birthday party where you should have been... everything.

Because you see, that doesn't end. Every time your child turns another year older and we host their birthday without you there to see them grow, every milestone they pass without being able to share it with you, the day they read your favorite childhood story and you're not there, the day they go to Prom, get engaged, or need help in their first new home with that thing that was your specialty, brings a fresh wave of grief and range and the ever-present plaint, "Why aren't you here to share this?!?!"
Every time your parents realize they're getting older and need help with this thing, and you're not there. Every time something reminds them of you as a child, of your favorite story growing up. Every time, they 'know' that they failed as a parent, because what decent parent doesn't see that their child is suicidal? It doesn't matter how well you hid it, we don't see that. In retrospect, we see the thousands of signs you never knew you were giving, and we didn't either, but we replay them at 2am, over and over, and cut ourselves to pieces on the memories of moments we missed in which we could have helped you- whether we could have or not.

It hurts now. It hurts so much every time you wake up and think that you wish you weren't here. It hurts every time you think that you're a failure, or useless, or we'd be better off without you. And I won't lie and promise it will get better. Maybe it won't- I don't know your situation.
But I do know that it cannot get better if you're gone. I know that there's no longer any chance of reconciliation. There's no longer any chance of your child coming home. There's no longer any chance of graduating, or reading the next book in that series you loved. There's no longer any chance of seeing your best friend get married, or being there for them if they get divorced. You'll never hold us again when we cry, never have a cup of coffee and talk about astrophysics or the last season of the guilty pleasure TV show we both love, never try our new recipe for the chili you were always better at making than we were. You will never see another eclipse, or learn to ride a motorcycle. You'll never cry on our shoulder, or celebrate with us every again.
It will never get better, because you're gone.
Not for you.... and not for us, either. Because we will never, every stop missing you, and we will never forgive ourselves... or you.

We love you; please don't take yourself away from us.

Love,
All of us who love you

Wedding Stuff - Planning Weddings is Hard and I Do Not Know How to Girl

Veils come in different types.
Like, they attach to your head in different ways (all of which have names you're supposed to know), they have different lengths (like 7 of them, all of which you're supposed to know), and different WIDTHS for Goddess' sake... all of which you're supposed to know.
*dies of girlfail*

Also, I do not know any of the terms for wedding dresses other than 'empire waist.'
WTF is a court train?
Send Halp Plz.

/whining


On the upside, I have amazing people willing to help me every step of the way, up to and including loaning me pieces of their own wedding finery.

Thank Goddess, because I suck at this LOL

How to Plan a Wedding Without Losing Your Sanity, Your Budget, or Your Friends.

...I'm still figuring this out. LOL

In fact, I think that may end up with a separate blog.

First Group Motorcycle Ride

Logan and I took on another project.

I know, I know, who's shocked? *listens to the crickets*

But seriously, I'm so tired of only knowing other motorcyclists who basically race when they ride together and don't really ride together. Plus, most of them appear to be in a contest to see who's the most suicidal.
Not my gig- I don't have a spare parent for the Wolfcub if I decide to get myself killed.

But I knew that I had to know some other riders who ride more reasonably... so I set out to find them.

I started a group on Facebook for folks who wanted to ride, and sort of cruise the many awesome backroads of north Georgia- and most importantly, who didn't mind our kids being involved. So now we have a small group of other riders, and we get together once a month or so and go spend a day riding together. We use MSF standard group riding techniques, but since Logan and I have bluetooth-linked helmets, we ride head and tail most of the time to make communication easier. We also have a chase car for the kids, so that they can meet us- and, in the case of this first ride, bring dry clothes!

For our first ride, we started a bit of a clusterfisk. I was running late coming back from a wedding, and everyone else was running late as well. We ended up leaving a solid hour and a half later than intended, to the point that one rider had to go home rather than ride with us.
We met at Logan's shop, which let him check over all of the bikes easily, but got caught in a pop-up shower that further delayed us. At least we only had 2 children, instead of 5-6, so our chase car was my little Yaris with its 30+mpg, instead of Britt's Honda Pilot.
When we finally left, we took 400 north to Hwy 369, then popped onto Hwy 9 for a nice easy cruise to Dahlonega. Since it was our first ride together, we chose a very easy route to ensure we could stay together and our chase car could keep up (although they had the route and rendezvous point in case we got separated).

We eventually hit Dahlonega, dried out at Bourbon Street Grille with the kids, and wandered my favorite small town for a little while before heading home. OVerall, it was a good shake-down ride.

Riding up Hwy 9 in staggered formation

Wolfcub on Uncle DJ's bike

The ladies in the chase car

Turning in a staggered formation (we dropped to single file in the twistier areas)

Lessons from it:

• Plan to rendezvous at least 45 minutes before anticipated ride time. 
• Leave without people if necessary. Seriously. 
• Where possible, have folks bring dry clothes if the forecast shows a likelihood of showers. That's part of what a chase car is for. 
• Make sure, next time, to bring more entertainment for the kids, as a fun ride for adults on motorcycles is not nearly as pleasant for toddlers trapped in a car. 

Best Mother's Day Ever

So, this thing happened.

I'll probably be posting more as I figure out wedding planning stuff :-D

Context: Mother's Day is a rough day for me. I've had 6 mothers, and all but 1 of them are dead, or gone from my life. Mother's Day sucks.
Wolfcub's conception day is Mother's Day, however- Rush took me to the Mother's Day pow-wow our first year together, and we spent all day watching the fancy dances.
Do you know what fancy dances are, folks?
They're giant effing fertility rituals.
Do you know how to make your birth control null and void?
Spend all day at a fertility ritual, apparently. Sigh.
So with Rush dead, Mother's Day sucks all over again and on a whole new level!

This Mother's Day, Logan brought me tea in bed, and Wolfcub climbed up with me (continuing his tradition of stealing my tea in bed on Mother's Day), while Logan knelt by the bed. I literally didn't notice that he was kneeling, because I thought he was just avoiding looming over me by standing next to the bed.
Then I realized he was reaching into his pocket. And Wolfcub was bouncing. He asked Wolfcub if there was something he wanted to say to me, and was clearly trying to prompt him. I didn't know if it was just a, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!" he was trying to get out of him, so I just stayed calm, but my heart was pounding.
Poor Wolfcub was clearly trying to say whatever they'd rehearsed, but finally just blurted out, "Marry Logan!!!!" as Logan held up the ring.
I could only cry and nod and give him my hand, too choked up for words.

It was perfect- low-key, sweet, and romantic.
Best Mother's Day Ever.